forget the horror here
by daisymeadowss
Summary: "Cabeswater is asking for something and Adam and Ronan are deliberately not paying attention. She thinks it might be shouting a warning at them and if it is, it's in vain because they're not going to stop." or the one where gansey dies and adam, blue and ronan literally start the apocalypse to get him back. happy (belated) halloween folks!


_(this is a smut free version. if you wanna see the smut version check out ao3, my penname is dicksargents)_

this is a zombie au but it's set after bllb so everything up to that point is canon and there's really very little gore so if you don't like that kind of thing you're still good to go. but if you're looking for a scary/gory fic, this isn't what you're looking for.

also the timeline jumps around a lot but i kept it easy to follow (i hope)

* * *

 ** _Before_**  
Blue lingers at the edge of the forest and her new life. The latter she has no idea about and if she has some sort of premonition of the things to come, some kind of hunch that the world as they know it is about to end, it doesn't stop her from crossing the border between a real forest and an even realer magical forest. She only hesitated then, just for a second, because she wanted this so badly to work. She needed it to work.

Wild anticipation or sleep deprivation is making her dizzy and lose her footstep on a protruding mess of branches but neither Adam nor Ronan turn around as she tumbles to the ground and Blue doesn't care to check for bruised knees or ripped skirts as she immediately staggers to her feet. Hope is like a living thing inside of her, twisting and curling and prodding. Urging her to move quicker and catch up with Ronan and Adam even as the two boys set a pace that's hard to keep up with for her 5'0 self.

Cabeswater is raging. The wind is harsh and strong around them, a harbinger of a hurricane, a physical manifestation of Adam's or Ronan's or both of their grief, threatening to knock Blue off her feet once more. It screams in her ear, carrying words in a language she doesn't understand. It whispers things to them with a screech, with the mania of a fanatic but no one pays any mind to it. Only when it begins repeating itself over and over again, starting in a low hum and working itself up to a frenzied mantra, does it start to sound and feel terrifying, and Blue falters for a second. Cabeswater is asking for something and Adam and Ronan are deliberately not paying attention. She wants to know what it's saying but she's aware enough of the situation to know the boys won't answer her. She thinks it might be shouting a warning at them and if it is, it's in vain because they're not going to stop. She's heard the warnings from her family too, it even echoes in her head now - _there's always a price to pay_ \- and it doesn't matter. She squares her shoulders, steels herself against the cold and soldiers on with shaky legs.

They reach a clearing and Adam says, "This is the place." He nods a clue towards Ronan who places the body on the ground. He's uncharacteristically gentle though now there's no need to be. Blue's heart aches; she can't look away.

Cabeswater howls on, angry to be ignored and she feels utterly useless standing next to Adam and Ronan. She's here only as a spectator, only because they involved her and not because they needed her. Her magic was good to kill but not to fix it - it was her friends' job to work the miracle here. If Blue was absent, nothing would change.

Yet Adam turns to her and says, "Blue. You're going to be the emotional tether." He's taken up the position of the leader since their king died and he navigates them easily to make their plan work but not as effortlessly as Gansey's presidency had been.

Blue glances up at Adam, tearing her eyes away from Gansey. As she looks at him and he looks at her, she's made aware of the drying tear tracks staining her cheeks though she has no idea when she started crying and when she stopped. She clears her throat before speaking but her voice is still a bit raspy, an aftereffect of spending the whole night crying. "I thought that was going to be Ronan."

Adam shakes his head. "No, he's going to appeal to Cabeswater. Make it listen, make it help us. I'm going to channel their magic and he's going to help me keep it under control. You are going to be the connection."

Blue takes a second to process this. She looks at Gansey, her heart in her throat and worries they're making a mistake letting her do this. _What I'm not enough?_ she wants to ask but can't get the words out through the lump and hysteria bubbling up in her throat. _This is your chance to make it right, just shut up and take it,_ another part of her brain screams at her.

Adam takes her arm, making her look up at him, and he stares at her like he knows. Understands. He says, "You're going to be enough."

She blows out a breath. Adam's gaze is quiet and solemn and unwavering - he doesn't look away until she feels some of his confidence transit to her. He's right, she's going to be enough. She's not going to be useless.

Blue gives a resolute nod. "Okay. Okay. What do I do?"

"Take his hand."

 ** _After_**  
Blue stands by the freshly dug graves and fiddles with her ring. Twists it with her thumb, slips it partially off her finger then back. Besides her, Adam pants with the effort of shoveling, sweat trickling down his brow and cheek, wetting his already damp shirt. He's almost finished.

He insisted on doing it alone though some of the men in their camp have repeatedly offered to help. The other graves of the fallen had been dug but Adam was adamant about this two. They are gone now, the rest of the group, having paid their respects to their dead, but behind Blue, Orla and Calla are still standing off to the side. Lingering out of commiseration.

Somewhere inside one of the houses, Matthew is sleeping peacefully.

Blue remembers Gansey shuffling towards her on broken ankles, remembers the pain in Adam's eyes as he pointed a gun at Ronan's forehead. She remembers Gansey reaching for her with greedy hands and a greedier mouth and she remembers the last time Adam spoke to her but can't remember the last time Ronan did. She feels nothing. She wishes she could care enough to wish Orla and Calla gone.

(Her last conversation with Adam went like this:

"Do you think it's cruel that we brought him back so he could live another year and die an even more horrible death?"

"I think we should have let it be. It was a mistake to save him."

"Do you think there was another way to save him?"

"I think... we should have offered a sacrifice. I think that's where it went wrong. We didn't so the world took its own."

"Would you take it back?"

"Wouldn't you?"

They both know there are no take backs now.)

Adam's still here but they don't talk because Blue can't forget Gansey's mangled corpse grasping at her shirt and Adam can't stop thinking about his finger on the trigger of the gun that killed Ronan.

 ** _Between_**  
Blue waits by the gates for Adam and Ronan, too anxious for their safety, too impatient for news, too hopeful for good news, to wait inside. People walk by and give her pitying looks because she's been standing at the same spot ever since the sun began to set and they know she's waiting for a miracle. Blue doesn't mind them. People always gave her looks - because she dressed oddly, because she was the town physic's daughter, because she spoke passionately and angrily about equality, because she ran with those raven boys and was rumored to be in a relationship with all of them. It's nothing out of the ordinary.

Now it's getting darker and residents of Valerie, their small neighborhood named after their leader's wife, are beginning to retreat inside their homes. Blue stands still by the gates. She waits for them every time they leave the shelter of the town which, for the past nine days, has been every day. Sometimes Matthew joins her but tonight she's without company.

Blue stares passively out into the darkening night. Adam and Ronan will be back soon because they're always back by dark and maybe this time Gansey will be with them. She can't give up on hopes like this.

"Hey," comes a voice from behind her and Blue turns to see Orla approaching. She's holding something in her hand and grins at her cousin even from afar. "Look at this," she says when she reaches the gate and settles herself against it next to Blue. She shoves the thing in Blue's hands and Blue realizes it's her makeshift calender to keep track of the date.

"Yeah?"

"Look," Orla points to a number on the paper. "It's the 29th. It's Halloween in two days." She holds up two fingers to emphasize this and repeats, "Two."

Blue swallows. Buried memories of fighting over Halloween decorations, eating trick or treat candies, making wacky costumes and watching B grade slasher movies assault her brain. It's uncharacteristically predictable of her but Halloween used to be her favorite holiday. Partly because the women of 300 Fox Way went out of their way to make the annual Halloween party as memorable as possible and it was only the best part of the year. Drunk psychics, costumes and equally drunk eager clients made an interesting mix. There was always a spectacle to behold, always something to look back on next year. When she was younger, Blue went trick or treating with her mother, her aunt and Orla, and when she got older, she began making her own costumes, helped carve pumpkins and participated in such overused games as apple bobbing. Every memory Blue has of Halloween is warm, happy, pleasant.

But now her mother is dead and Gansey may be dead and Persephone had been dead before all of this started, and nothing is the same anymore.

Blue shoves the calender back in Orla's hands. The reminder is too bittersweet. Her voice is full of acid when she says, "Great."

Orla's lips turn down into a pout - a trademark habit to get what she wants usually from men. The trick is that Blue's not male and not in love with her. "Aw, don't be like that. I know we can't dress up or do much this year but we can still celebrate it. Spend the day together, get drunk, you know, like old times. Your Scooby Gang can join us too." Orla hits her arm with an inciting grin and Blue heaves a sigh. Lately, it's been less cruel and blunt Orla and more sympathetic warm Orla. Blue doesn't know what to do with the change or with her cousin's attempts to cheer her up. It's not necessarily unwanted but it's outside of her comfort zone when it comes to Orla. Even as kids, their dynamics have always been all about competition and defiance and annoyance at each other. But most of her family is dead and Orla's still here and Blue loves her despite their differences and she doesn't have the heart to turn her down.

"Yeah, that sounds good, Orla."

"Great. Oh hey, Noah." Orla waves to Noah on Blue's left and with another encouraging punch to the arm, heads back to their residence. Blue turns to face Noah. Or what's left of Noah.

Which isn't a lot. A shape of a body in the air, a floating head. If they thought he was incorporeal before, it was nothing compared to the state of his being now. She has to squint in the dark to see him. His eyes glow in the dark and his fair hair is displayed more prominently against the blackness than in broad light but his body from the neck down is lost in the shadows. If she looks hard enough, she can see a ripple in the air where the rest of him is supposed to be. She feels like she's watching a scene in a movie where the character turns invisible but you can vaguely tell where they're standing from the way the light breaks when it shines on them.

Blue wishes she could amplify him, make him realer like she used to but she isn't much of a mirror anymore and Noah isn't much of a ghost. He isn't much of anything. Once upon a time there was magic singing in their blood, lighting up the whole town, now it's barely flickering. Cabeswater is almost gone and Blue suspects they'll know the day it truly disappears because Noah will be going down with it too. Ronan and Adam's abilities, as it is, are already useless. Orla's intuition is gone and Calla sometimes gets a suggestion of a hunch if she holds an object long enough but that, too, has dried up. Magic is fading from the world just like everything else. That's why they couldn't fix this. They used up the last of their miracles by saving Gansey.

Blue looks at Noah now and feels her heart pound painfully. He's so far gone. She's losing everyone. Soon it'll be just her, Adam and Ronan.

 _Things,_ Adam had told her once with a quiet strained timbre to his voice, _are always growing or shrinking to three._ She wishes she could forget that.

"They're coming," Noah tells her and Blue exhales a sigh of relief. "They're fine. They're almost here."

"And Gansey?"

Noah hesitates for only a second before shaking his head slowly and now Blue can't help the defeated huff that leaves her mouth. _She's losing everyone._

After Gansey had gone missing, they'd asked Noah to find him, to just pop up where he was and help them bring him back but Noah had shaken his head sadly. "That's not how it works. I can't just pop up where he is if I don't know where he is." Blue knows he feels bad though his shortcoming is not his own fault. He helps out the way he can, by keeping track of Ronan and Adam when they leave the community and alerting Blue of anything significant happening outside when she's not with them.

In the distance the first grumbles of a car chime up and soon she's watching one of the guards on duty pull the gates open to let her friends in. The massive black Mercedes, one of the community's property, pulls in and Ronan rolls the driver's window down as the guard trudges over to monotonously recite the usual mandatory list of questions. Blue can see the exhaustion in their body language and the dirt and uncleanliness of their appearance but they look uninjured. Though she already knew this because Noah told her, seeing them with her own eyes brings another wave of relief. She tries to focus on this and not on the disappointment over Gansey's extended absence. It's not their fault - it's no one's fault but Blue's still angry and she can't be angry at anyone but the universe. It's a hard thing, being angry at the universe. You can't fight it or beat sense into it. You can scream your frustrations into the air but it'll likely ignore you and you'll likely attract something unwanted.

"Any deaths?" It's the guard's, Brett's, first question on the short list everyone knows by heart now.

Ronan gives Brett a blank look. "It was just the two of us going out, as you damn well know," he begins. When Gansey and his scavenger group first went missing, there was a bigger search party organized for them. They looked for survivors for a few days, trying to determine what had happened, but hope was soon abandoned when remains and body parts turned up around the convenient store they were supposed to raid. Some were proved to be dead, eaten, torn apart or turned, but others were still missing. Presumed dead but not confirmed. Gansey among them.

In Blue's opinion, he shouldn't have been out there in the first place. This life didn't suit him. Or he didn't suit this life. Guns made him uncomfortable. Swords fascinated him but only as a historical relic. His weapon of choice has always been words, something non-lethal. But you couldn't use words against the undead. He was not as useless as he had first been but his aim was still off, his sword play still rigid, his hand to hand combat still a bit inelastic. He could take a zombie down - as long as there weren't many of them at the same time. But this was a community and everyone took turns risking their life to obtain food, medication and anything else the town was in need of. So Gansey and the others left according to their schedules and then they just never came back.

Morden, an ex-military now in charge of Valerie, told them there was probably nothing left to find of the few missing persons or they had turned and wandered off by now and in any case, if they were still alive they would find their own way back. Ronan and Adam didn't listen. Blue was undeterred. This whole thing had been for Gansey; it had started so Gansey could live. It was their fault, Ronan's, Adam's and Blue's. If he died now, it had been for nothing. They couldn't ever abandon him anyway.

Morden allowed them to keep looking if they wanted to but he couldn't spare anyone else to help. The search party decreased to just Ronan and Adam, and Blue every two or three days. She wished she could help out more often but being on nurse duty with Dr. Stone and studying medicine, she couldn't afford to go out every day.

Ronan gestures between himself and Adam and snarls, "Do we look dead?"

Brett rolls his eyes. He goes on, his voice flat and bored. "Any injuries?"

"No."

"Bites?"

"No."

"Any survivors?"

A pause. It's Adam who answers this time. "No."

Brett rubs a hand across his face. Blue thinks he looks like he's about to topple over and fall asleep. "Anything to report?"

"No."

"Okay. Dr. Stone will be waiting for you in the infirmary to make sure you're both alright."

Brett retreats back to his post and Ronan maneuvers the Mercedes into the parking area. When they get out of the car, Ronan ignores Blue in favor of unloading the trunk and Adam gives her an apologetic look. Noah had disappeared sometime during Brett's questions.

Blue shrugs halfheartedly. It's not their fault. Not their fault that Gansey's missing, not their fault that they can't find him, not their fault that she's losing hope. She looks stubbornly at the ground and tries not to feel the rift widening between them. All of them.

Ronan turns to her. He's holding a bag in his hands that he passes to her apathetically without a word. Then he crosses his arms and waits for her to look inside. Blue would like to make a scathing remark about how she can't understand him if he doesn't use his words but that's not necessarily true and she feels too crushed to pick a fight right now. She looks inside.

The first thing she sees is a skull. For a second she doesn't quite understand what it's doing there but even in her confusion she recognizes that it's not a real human skull. Then she sees spider webs, - artificial - orange candles and balloons and black plastic cats and long pointed hats. Something familiars clicks in her brain. She reaches inside and pulls out a string of paper ghosts.

"What is this?"

"Halloween decorations," Ronan says. Blue stares back blandly.

Adam clears his throat and speaks up, "We didn't find any pumpkins."

Blue blinks at them in surprise. Well. Orla, it looks, isn't the only one counting days. Blue only counts the days Gansey's been missing. (Nine.) Anything other seems pointless.

When Blue doesn't respond, Ronan says, "You like Halloween, don't you? You went crazy for it last year," and then glares at her for not appreciating the gesture more. But Blue's only now beginning to realize this is for her. And it hits her hard.

She clutches the paper ghosts against her shirt - _Gansey's shirt_ \- and gives the bag in her hands a watery smile. She doesn't look up, doesn't want them to see the tears in her eyes. "Thank you."

Ronan makes a noncommittal grunt. Adam squeezes her shoulder as they pass her by and Blue thinks maybe the rift isn't so big after all.

 ** _Before_**  
Blue crouches next to Gansey, gripping his hand. The wind has calmed. There was no storm. There is silence all around them now but it's not the peaceful kind. They're all waiting for Gansey to open their eyes, to give them a sign that this has worked, to sit up and make everything alright between them again. Like only he could. Blue doesn't dare let go of his hand and Adam and Ronan stand still as a statue. In the corner of her eye she can see that Noah has showed himself for the first time since Gansey died and is now standing next to the other boys. She thinks that's a good sign. She doesn't take her eyes off Gansey.

The seconds tick by and Blue presses her lips together tightly because she wants to both cry and scream but she will do neither. They're still so silent and motionless and it's beginning to take on an eerie quality. Dread fills Blue's stomach and weighs down heavy on her shoulders. _Something's wrong,_ she's sure something's wrong. Suddenly she doesn't feel safe. The trees around them are a threat from all sides. She abandons watching Gansey and scans the forest. She's three seconds away from panicking.

Gansey opens his eyes.

She misses the moment it happens because she's still watching the ominously still forest around them, almost waiting for something monstrous to emerge from the trees, but she hears his strangled gasp and Ronan's choked cry and Adam's sharp intake of breath and Noah's happy laughter. She snaps her face back to him so fast it gives her whiplash but she hardly cares as she watches him drink air in eagerly to fill his thirsty lungs. The boys are next to them in a second and Gansey seems confused but Blue starts laughing along with Noah and soon Adam joins in and Ronan keeps repeating "It worked, it worked" in awe and Gansey just smiles at them all. Blue's squeezed against the bone crushing hugs they all attack Gansey with and the five of them are nothing more than a tangle of legs and arms and it's marvelous and perfect and all she wanted.

For a moment everything is alright again.

But when Gansey opens his eyes so do the other dead.

 ** _Between_**  
Blue balances on a chair in the kitchen, rising on her tiptoes to hang the spider web on the cabinets. Orla's huffing besides her.

"Let me do it."

"I can reach," Blue insists with the tip of her tongue hanging out of her mouth. She rises higher on her toes, keenly aware that she's in danger of doubling over and breaking her neck or spine any moment.

"No, you obviously can't, you're gonna break your neck. Let me do it."

"God, Orla, just shut up, -"

"Blue, I swear, -"

"Blue!"

Their quickly escalating fight is interrupted by a third voice calling her name. Turning around, Noah is breathless, his face alight with excitement. A wide grin spreads across his lips. Her heart jumps. She knows before he says it.

"He's here."

Blue exhales a strangled sigh, all the hope that's been steadily flooding out of her for days rushing back with the force of a tornado. Orla looks between the two of them wide eyed. Noah is decidedly more corporeal than he's been since the start of this but Blue has no time to ponder it. She jumps down the chair, stumbling and knocking it over in her haste and Noah continues grinning at her widely as she wrenches the front door open. Down the street at the gates she glimpses Brett interrogating someone -

\- and there he is, whole and alive and dirty and beautiful. Gansey.

She sobs his name around a smile and it's impossible but he turns his head towards her like he's heard it even from this distance. His eyes light up beneath his glasses - a new pair she hasn't seen before - and raw adoration lifts his lips into a broad grin. She barely returns it before running straight into his arms; the force of her hug should be strong enough to knock him off his feet but he catches her effortlessly and cradles her close. His arms wrap around her and her legs around his waist, his hands in her hair, her face buried in his neck, and for a moment they're two people in one entity. Words are not needed which is fortunate because she's choking on tears of happiness and couldn't get them out anyway. She loves him. She loves him and he came back.

"Uhm... uhm, Blue? Hey, listen. We weren't finished yet. I still have a few questions... can you just... Blue?"

Blue isn't listening. Brett is rambling a few feet away from them but all she hears is Gansey breathing in her ear - in and out, steady and healthy and contented. He runs his fingers through her hair, now longer than it used to be, then slips down her neck and spine, raising goosebumps along the path, reaching her waist and clutching tighter to keep holding her against him. She holds onto his sweater like a lifeline and he sort of is. He is because already she feels more alive, more awake.

He came back again. Another miracle.

After several seconds of feeling each other breathe, he whispers, "I've missed you."

She closes her eyes and strokes his hair as reply. A sob is caught in her throat. She can't speak yet.

Eleven days. She can stop counting now.

"Uhm, Gansey? Blue?" Brett's patience runs out and he sighs with annoyance. "Miss Sargent, could you please let go of him now?"

Blue disentangles herself from Gansey but slides an arm around his waist and rests her head on his shoulder. She glares at Brett who looks bored and uncomfortable as he launches into his questions again.

"Any bites?"

"No," Gansey shakes his head and Blue, just reminded of the possibility, cranes her neck to check for injuries. A few scratches on his cheek but he looks fine. Most of him is covered up by his clothing though. He's been gone for some time now, Blue ponders. He had to have been hurt somehow or he would have come back to them sooner. He wouldn't have let them worry if he could help it. Blue's heart races at these thoughts.

His lips curl into a reassuring smile when he sees her looking and he ruffles the ends of her hair. "I am fine." Then he turns to Brett and repeats, "No bites."

"Any survivors?"

"Yes. Another community."

Brett's eyebrows rise. "Okay then. You should visit Dr. Stone for a checkup then go see Morden. He'll want to know what happened." Blue does too. But she accompanies him to the infirmary and waits patiently until he has the chance to explain where he's been for the past eleven days.

Dr. Stone asks him if he's been hurt in any way and he gives Blue a regretful smile before nodding and revealing a bandage around his right shoulder. A bullet wound. Blue gasps and hits his arm because he said he was fine. Gansey continues smiling apologetically and takes her hand while Dr. Stone examines the wound. As he later reveals to Morden, his group was caught off-guard by an unexpected wave of horde coming their way and in the massacre that followed, he caught a bullet meant for a zombie by one of his teammates. He was quick and composed enough to draw back into the storage room of the convenience store and wait for the storm to pass but he'd soon lost consciousness due to blood loss. When he woke up, he found himself in a completely unfamiliar area in a similar but different barricaded neighborhood like theirs. Another group of raiders had stumbled upon the carnage at the convenience store and found Gansey. He could have bled out but they took him back to their town and fixed him up. He left them as soon as they deemed him stable enough to travel.

Blue almost can't believe the story. What a string of fortunately transpired events. Gansey seems to agree.

"I was lucky," he says to a stoic faced Morden. "I could have been found by a group much more malevolent." Or worse, Blue thinks. Eaten like the rest of them. He's only alive now because he was caught in the crossfire and had to withdrawn from battle. Blue marvels that the universe still turns its pockets out for him.

When Ronan and Adam get back, they stumble in Blue's living room, a mess of limbs and excitement. Noah had gone to inform them that it was unnecessary to keep looking now but they were already on their way back. They had set out only for a few hours today, persuaded by Blue to come back sooner and spend Halloween with her and Orla (and Calla, if she was feeling up to company.) It had taken Blue a while to convince both of them, especially Ronan, to shorten their daily search party for Gansey and she felt a bit guilty about it too. But, she told herself, one day wouldn't change anything. They deserved time off. Some peace. Some alone time that wasn't spent outside in the danger zone looking for their lost friend, killing things and often coming back home covered in monster blood. She never knew where those two stood with each other these days but she guessed there was always _something_ there. Sometimes they would steal kisses and hold hands easily like it was second nature to both of them then avoid each other's eyes for weeks. It wasn't ever official - as far as she knew; they never announced it - but when there was something, they didn't hide it. When there wasn't anything, they didn't hide that either.

Now they are wide eyed and exhilarated as Gansey stands up to greet them and is immediately engulfed by a crushing hug from Ronan. Adam stares for a moment, rendered still from overwhelming relief, until Ronan makes a curt gesture in his general direction and Adam snaps back into the present and throws his arms around both of them. Blue watches them, her boys, a soft smile on her lips as they laugh and berate and interrogate Gansey. Noah shows up soon enough and sometime between Orla sauntering in to join them and busting out the alcohol, Adam takes Ronan's hand. Blue sits pressed against Gansey and leaves quick little kisses on his neck from time to time. Surrounded by all of them, she feels she could take on the world and win laughing.

The world feels normal again. With alcohol slowly dulling her senses, Blue can almost make believe they're at Monmouth looking for Gansey's dead king. She forgets about the chaos outside and her part in all of it and the guilt that's always lurking in her somewhere for destroying the world for their own selfish purposes. She holds onto Gansey's arm tighter and counts her blessings for still having all of them. Orla sticks around for a while and Blue tries to incorporate her into the conversation because she feels bad for abandoning her now that Gansey's back - and she doesn't consider herself the type of girl who ditches friends and family because of her boyfriend - but it's clear she's the sixth wheel when it comes to their little group. Calla comes in once to fill a glass with their vodka and raises a bored eyebrow at the sight of Gansey then nods in acknowledgment. Blue suppresses a small smile - from Calla, the gesture is almost warm. Orla retreats back to her room after a while and Blue makes a mental note to spend some time with her later. Noah continues to flicker in and out sporadically but he's more tangible tonight than not.

It should occur to Blue that all this seems like the calm before a storm but she's happily buzzed and in love and it does not.

Adam and Ronan are making eyes at each other across from Blue and Gansey and Blue's happy to see them enter their in-love phase again but the longer that goes on, the more Blue wants to get away and let them have some alone time. Maybe have some alone time herself with Gansey. Maybe.

While Ronan's preoccupied flirting with Adam and Noah is busy making a paper plane out of the wine bottle's label with his invisible hands, Blue realizes no one's paying attention to them and thinks she can get away with pressing a longer kiss to Gansey's lips. She's wrong.

Ronan tsks and when Blue breaks away from Gansey, she glares at him. This is good, this is familiar. Aside from not having to hide her relationship with Gansey anymore, this could be like any other night back at Monmouth.

Ronan says, "Cut that shit out, it's like watching my parents make out."

Blue shrugs unsympathetically. "You've seen worse."

"Yeah, and I've _heard_ worse too."

Blue huffs noncommittally. Gansey flushes pink but he was already kind of pink from the alcohol. There's a small smile on his lips which he hides by burying his face in her neck. From there, he murmurs a warning to Ronan, not quite as stern as it could be.

Blue fights not to blush herself. "Well, close your ears."

"If I could."

Blue rolls her eyes and decides it would be a good idea to kiss Gansey again out of spite. Ronan groans, Adam's laughing quietly and Gansey smiles against her mouth. She doesn't let the kiss get too deep, all too aware of the audience around them, but it feels nice to have his lips pressed against her own again. She doesn't remember how she ever managed to withhold it from herself before.

Something lands on Blue's shoulder and there's an indignant cry of _"Hey!"_ from Noah. Blue looks down at her lap where the thing has fallen. Ronan had taken Noah's paper plane and thrown it at them. Blue, sparing one decapitating look towards Ronan, returns the plane to Noah who takes it with his ghostly hands. It looks like the plane is floating in the air by itself.

Ronan's grin is positively wicked and blurry from his hard liquor and Blue sees Adam watching him in amusement. She also sees Gansey watching Adam watching Ronan fondly. "So tell me," Ronan begins, a bottle of unidentified origins halfway to his lips, and the only reason Blue doesn't interrupt him right then and there before he could say anything offensive is the lightness of the atmosphere. It's not so common lately. Her boys are happy tonight so she indulges them. "Sargent. Is Gansey still a horrible kisser? I imagine you taught him a thing or two by now. Or are you a horrible kisser too? Your only experience was a ghost, wasn't it?"

 _"Hey!"_

Gansey nuzzles his face into her neck again. His cheeks are still colored a faint pink from either embarrassment or booze.

Blue's eyebrows rise impassively. "And who is your big experience, Lynch, besides Adam?"

Ronan's expression darkens for a second but he quickly takes a swig of his drink and it's gone as fast as it came. "I was just making polite conversation." All three boys snort at that because Ronan and 'polite' is a far stretch. Gansey reaches for his glass on the table and twirls a piece of Blue's hair around his pointer finger. He's watching the conversation unfold with interest but doesn't try to interject to defend himself and his kissing skills just yet. "I know his previous girlfriend was not impressed with him."

"His previous girlfriend?"

 _"Ronan."_

Noah sits up straighter, grins. "Oh-oh," he sing-songs then aims the paper plane towards Ronan and throws. It lands at Adam's feet who reaches down and starts fiddling with it as his eyes yo-yo between Ronan and Blue.

"What, didn't you have the ex conversation already?" Ronan challenges with a smirk and Blue crosses her arms across her chest defensively.

"There was no need for an ex conversation."

Gansey tugs on the strand of Blue's hair he was playing with, turning her face towards him so he could give her a quick peck on the lips and then on the side of her mouth. Blue glares at him, unmoved by his attempts to charm her. She's not mad but up until two minutes ago she was unaware Gansey had previous girlfriends and it throws her off guard. She'd never given the topic much thought and when she had she'd always just assumed he hadn't dated because she hadn't. That was stupid, she realizes now. If Gansey hadn't dated, it would have been because he'd been too preoccupied with his dead kings to give girls much thought or because he'd been too snobbish to land himself a girlfriend, and not because Blue had never had a boyfriend before Adam. It doesn't work like that.

Still, she would have expected him to tell her. She told him about kissing Noah; she figured that was a two way street.

"Yes, he knows all about your total two experiences with boys." At this Blue snaps her head back towards Ronan and mutters, "Pot, meet Kettle" under breath.

"But Gansey had other girlfriends."

"Ronan." Gansey repeats. The threat in his voice is more certain than the previous one and because this is Gansey, Ronan has the decency to look the slightest bit chastised.

"I can't imagine that to be true," Blue remarks drily though now she's wondering how many girlfriends Gansey had before her. It couldn't have been many. Ronan has to be messing with her. "Who else besides me would put up with him?"

Noah cackles delightedly and Adam smirks to himself. Ronan laughs. He only ever laughs at Blue's jokes if it's at someone else's expense. Gansey gives her a wounded look but Blue knows it's just for show.

"Her name was..." Ronan snaps his fingers, pauses, trying to recall. "Carmen, I think. Right, Gansey?"

Gansey stares at him and remains stubbornly silent. When he doesn't answer Ronan shrugs and goes on.

"Bottom line is, she thought Gansey was a horrible kisser. Didn't she compare him to an overly affectionate dog?"

Blue lets out a loud chortle. Irritation at both Ronan and Gansey forgotten, she angles her body towards Gansey with wide thrilled eyes and at the sight of him, laughs louder. He stares back at her passively.

"Is that true?"

"It is. Noah?"

"I think she said kissing Gansey was like having an eager puppy lick your face," he confirms and Blue loses herself completely. She falls against the couch, throwing her head back in laughter, and small tears of joy form in the corner of her eyes. Distantly, she can hear Adam join in, his laughter quieter and less free but just as amused. When she calms herself enough to pay attention, Noah continues, "In fact, I think that's why she broke up with him."

Blue chuckles again. A tomato red faced Gansey snaps up, "Hey, whose side are you on?" but there's no heat behind his words. Despite his mortification, there's a small smile playing on his lips as he watches Blue calmly wipe at her eyes.

"Mine," Noah facepalms.

Ronan spreads his arms out. "See what I mean?"

"I hadn't previously dated anyone before Carmen," Gansey mutters, a half-hearted attempt at defending himself. He adjusts his glasses before going on. "How was I supposed to know how to kiss anyone?"

Ronan nods mock seriously. "That tends to happen when you get a hard on from ancient dead kings and not girls."

Blue, whose glass was halfway to her mouth, erupts in a fit of giggles again. Ronan's stoical expression is interrupted by a half-smile tugging on his lips as he watches Gansey stutter and turn an even darker impossible shade of red. Gansey is usually calm and composed and hard to embarrass but throw girls and sex into the conversation and he would flounder like a fish on shore.

"I get a hard on from girls, I-" Gansey protests on instinct then stops himself when he hears all of his friends burst out laughing. Adam buries his face in his hands and shakes his head as he chuckles to himself and Blue fondly strokes Gansey's hair. He huffs. "I am finished with this conversation," he tells them as he attempts to regain some of his composure and dignity by straightening in his seat, lifting his chin high and pushing out his shoulders. He looks kingly aside from his rosy cheeks but no one stops laughing and after a while Gansey gives up, rolls his eyes and slumps back against the couch.

"So what happened?" Blue says curiously after the laughter dies down. "How did you learn how to kiss? Did you research it, is that what happened?"

"Well, I..." Gansey begins but immediately trails off and before he even finishes, Adam says,

"Don't, man."

Blue looks between them, at Adam shaking his head, stubbornly engrossed with Noah's paper plane, and at Gansey clearing his throat, avoiding everyone's eyes. An idea is beginning to take form in her brain but it's uncertain, blurry and nameless.

"What?" Ronan raises his eyebrows, leaning forward in the armchair.

Noah bites down on his lower lip but a wide ghostly grin still spreads across his face. Nonchalantly, he reaches for the other unopened bottle of wine and begins tearing the label down. Under his breath, he starts signing the murder squash song quietly which finally earns a look of admonition from Gansey who has to stop avoiding everyone's eyes to do so.

Blue looks back and forth between Adam's and Gansey's flushed faces until the idea in her head gains a name. "Oh my god."

 _"What?"_

Gansey, recognizing that Blue has him figured out, looks around the room with a sheepish smile. He fiddles with his glasses again. Adam shakes his head but doesn't try to stop Gansey from saying, "After Carmen and I parted ways, I... her words were troubling me. I wanted to prove her wrong. Or improve. Whichever."

Ronan makes a strangled noise. He looks fascinated by this new piece of information. "You're shitting me."

Gansey shakes his head. "It was just practice."

Blue puts her hand against her mouth and bites into her skin to keep from laughing again. Then she punches Gansey's arm. "You know I once told Adam to kiss you but he didn't mention he already had."

"What? Jane, why did you ever tell Adam to kiss me?"

"It's a long story," Blue shrugs and then lets out a cheery laugh. She can't believe the reason her boyfriend knows how to kiss is Adam Parrish. Actually, she can but it's unexpected.

"I'm glad you find this amusing," Gansey says flatly.

"Oh I do. What else do I not know about you, mister? Which of our other friends did you also kiss? Though maybe I should be glad. I wouldn't have wanted you to lick my face." She teases and laughs loudly when he wraps his arms around her and tugs her onto his lap gently but forcefully. A quick glance in Adam and Ronan's direction assures her that they're not paying attention anymore, talking amongst themselves. Noah's either gone or invisible.

Gansey grins at her and there's something wicked hiding in that smile. It makes her just a bit weak in the knees. He pulls her towards him and pauses inches against her mouth, letting their breaths mingle and lips hover close like they did so many times when they couldn't have more than this, letting her breathing become needy and catching. Then he kisses her.

Against her lips, he says, "I think it's enough if I just kiss _you_ for now."

 ** _After_**  
Blue had stood frozen still as Gansey began stumbling towards her. Survival instincts had completely shut down at the sight of his disfigured walking corpse even as he limped closer. She'd had a dagger in her hand and a gun fastened to her belt but she hadn't been able to move a muscle. He'd just stumbled closer. There hadn't been anything left of Gansey in him; dead for all intents and purposes. He'd grabbed her shirt, clashed his teeth together, making awful hungry noises and all she could do was push him away, keep him from tearing into her flesh. She'd been crying but she could clearly see the huge missing chunk of skin on his right cheek. Her hands had twitched, tightening around her dagger, but still she'd only pushed him away as he'd come at her again when a gunshot rang out.

Blue blinks herself out of the memory. Her hands close into tight fists. She feels bile rising up in her throat, choking her. Her boyfriend had wanted to eat her. He was shot two inches from her. He'd been standing so close that his blood and bits of his brain spattered across her face. And now she's standing in Valerie's makeshift graveyard, staring at his and Ronan's name on their wooden crosses. Adam's unmoving beside her. A few rows down sits her mother's grave.

He'd been suffering, it was easy to tell. Almost half of his face eaten. How long had he been in agony before he died?

Blue rubs her palm across face, still feeling the ghost of blood and brain on her face. Her finger wraps around her ring again and twists.

It had all gone to hell so quickly. All it took was one mistake and ten people were lost. Two eaten. Four infected (Ronan bitten and put down like a dog.) Two turned (Gansey dead and coming back like them.) One lost to sleep forever (Matthew never waking up.) And one careless guard executed. There's no room for mistakes or mercy in the apocalypse, Morden had said before shooting Brett. Blue had been watching but not seeing. She could only see Ronan's expression as he realized he couldn't be saved. She could only see Gansey's half-eaten face turn towards her and the complete lack of recognition in his eyes. Phantoms haunting her.

Noah's still around somewhere. Blue can tell. His presence engulfs them, distant but present and Blue remembers, with a chill down her spine, what Adam had told her all those months ago. _Things are always growing or shrinking to three._

Blue trembles for a second then doubles over and throws up.

 ** _Between_**  
Blue sleeps next to Gansey that night. Whenever they spend the night together, it's usually her who sneaks over to his house but tonight, with Adam and Ronan eye-fucking the way they did and Ronan singing the murder squash song drunkenly as they leave, Blue is positive she doesn't want to go over and feels a bit sorry for Matthew for having to endure them. She's also positive she doesn't want to let go of Gansey yet when he's just come back to her. So she sneaks him upstairs to her room though there isn't much sneaking actually involved and Calla probably knows he hasn't left and Orla catches them three inches from her door.

"Just don't let him knock you up," she says. "Babies are bad in this world."

Blue hisses at her cousin, reconsidering what she thought earlier about spending more time with her. Gansey ducks his head as he slips by Orla inside Blue's room and Blue follows, Orla's cackles dulling as the door closes behind them. Inside, Blue's lips curl into a secret grin and she slides her body up against him, truly alone for the first time in so many days. Gansey's arms instinctively wrap around her waist, quickly brushing his lips against her in a short kiss before pulling her along with him to the bed.

They tumble down together, intertwining legs and hands and shared breathing. Gansey settles himself on the middle of the bed against the pillows and Blue lays her head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat under her cheek, in synch with her own. For several minutes they don't speak, don't move, scarcely breathe. Gansey's fingers stir her hair and she closes her eyes, exhaling evenly.

She says, "Do you think we'll be okay?"

He doesn't immediately answer. The silence feels like contemplation rather than hesitation. "Yes. We'll be okay. It's gonna be okay."

Blue hums, her eyes still closed, listening to the rhythm of his heart. "We can make it?"

He slips his hand down from her hair, taking her hand. He laces their fingers together and squeezes. "You can make it through anything."

Blue lifts her head from his chest, levels with him a stare. She scrutinizes him, trying to figure out what he thinks. She's grown to be able to read him well, she thinks, but it's harder in the dark when she doesn't quite see his expression. His glasses are a bit smudgy; she reaches out to clean them with her sleeve. He doesn't wear contacts anymore because they're inconveniently hard to keep clean.

"I said _we._ "

His smile is reassuring but too automatic to truly put her at ease. "We can make it."

Blue nods. She doesn't want to think about this; regrets asking it now. It's far easier to just push her mouth against his and lose herself in the feel of him, throw a leg around his waist and let him steal her breath. He runs his hand along her back, steadily deepening the kiss, pulling her further into a pleasant blurry haze. She's breathing his air, living on it. He still smells like mint and it's wonderful.

In the morning, Blue wakes up first and Gansey sleeps longer which is unlike them. Usually, Blue has the tendency to sleep in and Gansey has the tendency to wake up early or not sleep at all. Blue grins to herself. This is the perfect opportunity to kiss him awake, as he's done to her many times. Blue runs her fingers through his hair and leans in to press a kiss to his mouth then his cheek, nose, forehead, and back to his lips. He blinks his eyes open lazily, smiling when he sees her looking. They're so close their noses are pressed together.

"I knew you weren't dead," she says instead of a greeting and Gansey's eyes open wider. Her tone is warm but serious. "I knew you weren't. But don't do that again, please."

He sighs mournfully. Pushes her hair behind her ear and keeps his hand there. "I'm sorry."

"No. Don't be. Just. Don't. Don't do it again. I can't... lose you." She inhales sharply and decides to lighten the mood by downplaying her feelings. She attempts a teasing chuckle. "I mean, what would I do without you annoying me ninety percent of the time?"

He shakes his head at her, a fond smile sitting on his lips. The heaviness in the atmosphere is gone but she was being serious and he knows that. "I can't imagine losing you either."

And it's not quite what she said but they both know it's what she meant.

Suddenly he sits up in bed and puts on his glasses. Blue watches as he reaches for his pants, discarded on the floor from the night before and fumbles with it for a moment. Her eyebrows furrow and her confusion grows when he turns back to her, his fist clearly closed around something. He seems nervous, a little, and it's not very Gansey-like either.

Blue sits up too, not bothering with pulling the sheets around her naked body. Gansey seems too focused on whatever he's planning to care. He slides closer on the bed and smiles. Opening his fist, he reveals a pretty ring inside with a small azure stone in the middle. Blue raises her eyebrows at him.

"What is this?"

He shrugs. It's too nonchalant to be honest. "I passed a jewelry store on my way back here and I just thought. Well." He smiles at her and looks down at the ring. "It's not an engagement ring, if that's what you're thinking. I believe it's called a promise ring."

She can't help it, she giggles. "Gansey." Her voice is full of amusement but also the smallest hint of satisfaction.

He spreads his lips into a wide grin. "It's cheesy, isn't it?"

"Yes," she nods, laughing. She takes the ring from his hand, examines it and looks back at him. "I love it." It's not fancy, not something that would catch the eye, but it's lovely and Blueish. She slides it onto her ring finger and thinks she could get used to wearing it.

Gansey watches her, her finger and the ring, and murmurs, "I just wanted you to have something to remind you of me."

Lots of things remind her of him. She says, "I have you. I don't need a reminder."

It comes out a bit more forceful than she intended but she can see there's something playing on Gansey's lips, something that begins with _'should anything ever happen'_ and she doesn't want to hear it. She kisses it off him. Not today.

When she feels confident that she kissed all those thoughts out of his head , she pushes him away and pats his chest. "You have to go now before Calla sees you. She probably knows anyway but it's common courtesy. I don't want her getting all aggressive on us."

Gansey smirks at her as he stands up from the bed to gather his clothes and Blue takes a moment to grin at the view before arranging her lips into a straight line.

"I'll get dressed and head over," she tells him as he pulls his shirt over his head. "We can go have breakfast together. Will you wait for me?

Gansey nods and a smile spreads across his lips, "I'll wait for you."


End file.
